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1 Votes - 5 Average   ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"
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Icon_eek  ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

This is an eye opener, for the women at least.  It looks like black women are starting to understand what black men already understand about them - they have issues with each other too, so how do we expect them to not give the men grief!!  Here, read this...

MARCH 20, 2009
Sisters, We've Got to Start Loving One Another


From The Essence.com Editor-in-Chief Angela Burt-Murray

http://www.essence.com/news_entertainmen...burtmurray


(Notice how essence didn't use any regular darker brown sistas in the photo from their own article - what is up with that?  And they all have long good hair!  Just an observation.)

When people learned that we wanted to photograph Iman, Taraji P. Henson and Serena Williams for our April cover, the comments started immediately. "Oh, they'll never get along" was the refrain most often heard. It was as if the notion that three beautiful and accomplished Black women might come together for a joint cover shoot was just too outrageous to entertain.

Yet the murmurs weren't totally without precedent. After all, Black women's relationships with one another have often been fraught with tension. Truth is, we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Wall Street executive Carla A. Harris told us recently she had noticed that in the workplace Black women are sometimes the ones derailing other sisters. Certainly we've been guilty of tearing each other down in our personal relationships as well, even fighting over a sorry man who tried to play us against each other. But with all the challenges facing us, it's more important than ever that we as Black women make a conscious decision to support, love and affirm one another at work, in our communities, in our churches and in our organizations. It's time for us to wake up to the fact that our problem isn't between us; it's with all the forces that teach us to undermine one another instead of pulling together to strengthen us all. Whatever happened to lifting each other as we climb?

Now, I'm not saying we're all going to get along all the time, but if we can cherish and accept our sisters as we would want to be cherished and accepted, we will go a long way in setting a new tone in our often-fractured relationships. If we can stop the sideways glancing when one of us walks into a room, if we can stop the head-to-toe assessment of others in the club, if we can stop calling people out behind their backs-while smiling in their faces-if we can put an end to all that, we can start to reclaim the spirit of our sisterhood.

Let's begin by greeting one another with open arms and minds and stop assuming that we're out to get one another. The next time a sister you don't know walks into a room, the next time a Black woman you've never met starts working at your job, go out of your way to introduce yourself and give her a compliment. You just may make a loyal new friend.

I'm pleased to report that not only did our three cover beauties warmly welcome the idea of a joint photo shoot, but they were also genuinely supportive of one another on set, each one complimenting the other's hair, makeup, clothing and careers. As Beauty and Cover Director Mikki Taylor said, "Love was in the air and in the hearts of these three icons as they embraced one another, shared familiar stories and struck the pose again and again."

_END

Then the comments that followed...

1.

Seriously, I rarely encounter another black women who doesn't look at me sideways, even when I do speak....Hi, Hello, How R U? I'm sick of it really, it's gotten me to the point that I see myself doing the same thing just not wanting to continue being the "sucker" who gets ignored or looking as if she's desperate for a friend because us women make friendship freaking initiations! Ive even heard rumors about my black co-workers who've never said Boo my way say they don't like me - WHY????? because I like to have my hair in order and like to have style? I don't get it.

2.
I am so glad that you are addressing this issue-yes, women can be so petty sometime-I find myself stooping to their level with mean looks, hateful behavior, etc. just this weekend a couple of women spoke to me and it was surprising-I bet they read the article-I will begin now to start speaking to other women I do not know, thanks for opening my eyes.

3.
BLACK WOMEN WE NEED TO STOP BEING SO JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER WERE ALL BEAUTIFUL IN OUR OWN WAY. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHAME OURSELVES. OTHER RACES JUST SIT BACK AND LAUGH AT US I BET' AND STOP HATING ON BEYOUNCE' SHE REPRESENT US WOMEN OF COLOR I MEAN BLACK WOMEN THAT IS.

4.
WER'E JUST LIKE A LITTLE KINGDOM IF WE CONT TO TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN , WE WANT STAND.

5.
This is so true. African-American women who are insecure will spend more energy tearing others down instead of building themselves up. They do not even greet each other. Men do not act like that. It is worse in the workplace. It can literally be your worst nightmare. Heaven forbid a man happens to be involved.

6.
The article was great,me my self as a black women I had to love me first, and once I found myself I learn to love other.I also learn that each women is difference. I learn to alway be happy for the next person beause your blessing is on the way, So sisters let not bring one another down, because we are better than that.

7.
They say that hurt people hurt other people and I think a lot of black women are hurting. However, we have to stop using that as an excuse. I did not have black female friends until my late 20's. Growing up the other black girls and their mothers were so envious of the silliest things (hair length, hair texture, skin tone, clothes, looks) that I really had no friends at all and neither did my mom. It was not until some very strong black women reached out and mentored me in my teens that I felt brave enough to reach out to other black women. Now granted, I still have a very small group of black female friends who are not petty and jealous BUT it is better than having none. But I am glad that knowing these women allowed me to let go of my bitterness at being mistreated (threatened with a knife because I had longer hair than one girl on the cheerleading squad) and I won't pass it on to my daughters or to other women. And the women who are not ready to meet me as an equal without all the drama I just pray for. It's all you can do at some point.

8.
All this love one another thing is all fine and dandy but it's easier said than done.I'm in the military and work at an office job with two black females.I am a lower rank and they use this to their advantage plus I'm from another country. They have talked about me negatively to the WW in the office. Then helped the WW to win awards while trying to kill my rep. This one in particular has been goin thru stuff in her life and is stuck in a rut where she can't move on. But the truth is she is an evil,crazy female. She smiled to my face but was sooo shady. They have plotted and planned against me but I have to rely on God to pull me out of the talons of them.

9.
The article was great, we as black women need to learn how to love self, I feel that is one of our problems. We look good on the outside but the inside is at a self war.If a woman has peace within herself. She would'nt get angry because another woman has a man, a better career,car, etc. We must make an effort, to be on one accord. Think about what we could do if we were united.

10.
I've seen other sisters like that and I'm happy to say I am not one of them. Never had a jealous bone in my body, but I know those who do. Wouldn't dare fight over a man--none of them are worth it. Interesting article, though--because BW and WW do have issues with each other and it's not about "pretty." I've seen women mean-mugging me and I'm nothing close to what anyone would call pretty. It's plain insane jealousy.

11.
Well it's not just black women, but it is women in general. Pretty women don't usually get along with each other, because there are usually insecurity, and self-esteem issues. I am glad that they got along the way they did, because black people already have enough things counting against us. It's good that they make us look good for a change, unlike how the media usually makes us all look like a bunch of ghetto hoodrats.

12.
I agree young or old sisters always look you up and down. Never a hello just negativity. My husband & I took our children out bowling we encountered a group sisters who were not very nice but bitter. If you can't say hello to someone that looks like you and they get an attitude something wrong. Sisters must do better.

13.
We as women need to be in one another corner. The article as always is the best. Ladies lets not just talk about, lets be about. God bless us all

14.
Excellent article! I'm surprised people thought they wouldn't get along. All three women seem so classy to me. It is true that sistas can be our own worst enemies. We've got to go back to the idea that "I'm my sisters keeper."

15.
I know it seems we do not want to help each other. When I see a beautiful black woman who is managing all. I want to know how do I get myself there.. When you ask them how do you put yourself together..they look at you like an enemy. I wish we would embrace each other and help each other.

16.
I believe women period should not hate on one another, we should encourage each other. We are the mothers of this earth and we need to recognize the power God gave us to recreate life. As women, we need to support, guide, teach, encourage, uplift, help, relate, and appreciate each others presence. It is a blessing that GOD has created us to nurture the earth and give life to it. However, we must understand like man, we have a choice in what spirit we entertain and sometimes its not the physical that we need to pay attention to it's the spiritual and if a sister seems like she is negative maybe we need to show Christ in introducing her to her farther GOD. Amen! Love u sisters... all of you!

17.
this is so true some times i can not even walk through the mall with out getting dirty looks especially if i am with a guy... it all strated in high school.... black women when need to start loving each other and stop the hate.

18.
Before reading the article at work I would just walk by my black female coworkers (if I did not know them personally). Since reading the article I made it my business to speak to every sister I encounter. It was funny because, after I did this I ran into an old childhood friend.If I had no looked this sister in the face and speak to her I would have never known who she was.It also makes me feel better when I speak then just walking by a lone black female ot a group of sisters.Speaking and acknowledging the presence of my fellow sisters is my way of embracing us all.

19.
I really love this article. I feel it's time for us as black women to get it together. We are the most loving & accecting people, and we need to do more of just that.

20.
I feel this article is so true!!!!! Sisters we must do better. I remember when I first started my job..I met a older seasoned black woman at my workplace. She took pleasure in undermining me and even made rude remarks about me. I mean pity things like how dress and how I wore my hair. I think she was intimidated by another me or just like being the only black woman at the job.

21.
Thank you so much for producing and sharing this article. The level of respect that black women have for one another is so low and seems to decrease more and more. I think the problem starts with ourselves. So often we tear another sister down because we are not secure with who we are as an individual. Many of us don't like ourselves; therefore it's hard to like anyone else. How we treat ourselves in generally how we treat others. We're hating on the sister who has a nice career, handsome husband, lovely kids, and knows who she is as a woman. Instead of hating and disrespecting her, we need to be congratulating and learning from her. Let's start building and stop breaking!

22.
This has been active in our culture forever it seems. Perhaps it exists because some of us feel it's easier to throw stones at our own and not to other cultures, that perhaps the ramifications won't be as damaging. But in actuality it is. It's an internal racism that some suffer from and it's as damaging as the external racism we face in our society. We talk about this in our women's group and we work on this consistently while learning how to collaborate on personal and professional matters.

23.
It was so wonderful to read the article. I thought I was the only one who recognized and realized this as an issue. Unfortunately, the haters are in my very own family. I have sisters who would prefer to lie and hate on me because I am very ambitious and strive to work hard and sacrifice so that I don't have to settle. Here's hoping sisters will take heed to your word of advice and realize that we have others who beat up on us too often that we need to form a true and solid bond that says we will not take it any more.

24.
At a young age, I had to learn the hard way about my black sisters and the hatred for each other in the workplace. I worked in a small, predominately black office full of women where there was constant bickering, and jealousy. I was 18 and the others in their late 20's-late 30's. They talked about each other’s clothes, hair, man, you name it. No love, no respect. It was sad to see, them tear each other down, behind each other's backs. I watched this bad behavior and vowed to work amongst career driven people with a purpose. Twenty years later, I can say that I've yet to work in that type of environment again. There are usually only 3-6 black men & women in my chosen profession (Systems Administration), and we all get along and respect each other as we should. If you repect yourself and are happy in this life there wouldn't be a purpose to go after the next person with disrespect. Peace to all.

25.
All I can say is DIDDO! We've got to stop tearing each other apart and start helping each other heal!

26.
Thank you for this article, as one earlier post I have to grew skeptical - I do have one good women friend, but find it hard to branch out because you always find out later that this person does not have your best interest. I've worked as a manager and have had women of color look at me sideways and accuse me of things to my white counterparts and there was no talking with this person without there being her yelling at me and further accusing me of yelling at her to my boss.. I think its horrible that we are in this shape.

27.
It's about time ESSENCE shed light on this. At 39 I"ve grown sinical and do not believe we will ever get along. White women will hate each other alllllll day long, but they will never put one another down in front of us. We, however, will do it with a quickness. I work for a major IT firm with 90% white men, and .5% black women. Several of us are cordial to one another but you have your few who turn their noses up and refuse to be friendly. We have been and will probably continue to be our own worst enemies, fighting over sorry ass men, and hating one another when we could be lifting and encouraging one another. I am a big encourager, but it's rare when you meet sisters who are too. Too many of us are frienenemies and we hate to see one another excel. However, when we are struggling we love to chim in and gloat.

28.
I work in an office of about 85-90 people and only 3 are sisters (no black men at all). The other 2 didnt get along & I tried to be the mediator to no avail. I dont really have much contact with either of them because they are always talking about the other. I had started having lunch with a few of the white ladies & they are just as caddy as the sisters!! I dont have time for other people's drama anymore, so I either eat alone or with my male co-workers.

29.
Wow....I thought this was a great article and it fit so well with everything that has been shoved down our throat media wise. These are the type of articles that I appreciate rather than who is sleeping with whose man and why such and such do not get alone (Usually these articles are focused on black women). I agree with the author. There are so many outside forces that depict black women in a negative light, why add to the struggle? Most of the time, in the workplace, black women have to prove to men and to their white counterparts that they belong. It is nice to know that the same woman who is experiencing the same things can be there for you to share ideas with one another for personal improvements or just having a pleasant simple conversation rather than tearing each other down.

30.
Let's be honest we don't have to like everyone and everyone doesn't have to like us. But we should respect ourselves and in turn give respect to others. In that way we'll be doing a great service to sisterhood.

31.
I love this article..What do you do when you work with all white womens and they hate as just as bad as black women or worse..Its sad when working with white women...but anyway black womens are starting to get better I think

32.
I am one of those ladies talked about in the article. I have been through so much in life that my life wasn't supposed to turn out the way that it did but god extended to me his loving hand and i excepted!! I feel so good down on the inside that i beam radiance and self love on the outside. I am no means a 10 on the beauty scale but when i step out you can see the time and effort that i put in to me and i look damn good!! Some women reallyyyyyyyyy don't like it! So sister 's I say let's stop trying to take each other's glory I bet we all have the same STORY!! I love you all!!

33.
I am so glad that you all addressed the issue about black women not loving each other. I have been talking to my sister circle for sometime about this exact issue. We need to lift each other up and embrace our differences. White women have cat fights but they stick together as well as other races. I pray that black women will be more loving in their friendships as well as relationships with our brothas. We have a black president and first lady in the white house who are indeed setting the tone for black love. I hope black America will follow their example. Lastly I like to thank Essence for always providing a conscience for black women as well as topics that are minding provoking. I have been a devoted reader and subscriber for 23 yrs and I am 40. Keep up the good work.

34.
Some black women have issues with insecurities and we can be very envious and jealous hearted and I think those are some of the main reasons why are relationship with eachother are not as strong. As a black woman I try my best to support other black women and I always check myself first when I feel like I'm hating on another black woman.

35.
I was in the salon yesterday and one of my friends went crazy on me because I don't hang out with her as much as I used too. She tried to get loud and act crazy to get attention. Little does she know that her poor attitude is the REAL reason why I distance myself from her. Sometimes we as black women need to grow up and examine ourselves and then we can see why we are left standing alone with no friends, and sometimes no man.

36.
We need to love ourselves and one another better. If we can stand together it is hard to divide us. I am having difficulties in the work force involving black women. We are so judgmental.

37.
I agree. Sometimes we can be so judgmental. It’s sad. But Jesus is love so we should love also. It’s not that hard. We are always against each other…and for what?? It gets us nowhere. God Bless every one.

_END

Remember, this is what women are saying about other women!  And this is the same drama men have to deal with - but worse because you now have to add the gender divide.

Proof of point that what the men have been saying here is valid and true - most of our sistas are hard to deal with - even other black women are saying it!


[b]Yes, I made the film, and I am here.  I'm the "Chief Forum Elder" with Forum Elder Elder Ra (IslandRa) & Forum Elder Evens working hard to help others to see, learn and grow.[/b]
03-23-2009 03:13 PM
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IslandRa
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Post: #2
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Filmmaker-TimAlexander Wrote:
This is an eye opener, for the women at least.  It looks like black women are starting to understand what black men already understand about them - they have issues with each other too, so how do we expect them to not give the men grief!!  Here, read this...

MARCH 20, 2009
Sisters, We've Got to Start Loving One Another


From The Essence.com Editor-in-Chief Angela Burt-Murray

http://www.essence.com/news_entertainmen...burtmurray


(Notice how essence didn't use any regular darker brown sistas in the photo from their own article - what is up with that?  And they all have long good hair!  Just an observation.)

When people learned that we wanted to photograph Iman, Taraji P. Henson and Serena Williams for our April cover, the comments started immediately. "Oh, they'll never get along" was the refrain most often heard. It was as if the notion that three beautiful and accomplished Black women might come together for a joint cover shoot was just too outrageous to entertain.

Yet the murmurs weren't totally without precedent. After all, Black women's relationships with one another have often been fraught with tension. Truth is, we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Wall Street executive Carla A. Harris told us recently she had noticed that in the workplace Black women are sometimes the ones derailing other sisters. Certainly we've been guilty of tearing each other down in our personal relationships as well, even fighting over a sorry man who tried to play us against each other. But with all the challenges facing us, it's more important than ever that we as Black women make a conscious decision to support, love and affirm one another at work, in our communities, in our churches and in our organizations. It's time for us to wake up to the fact that our problem isn't between us; it's with all the forces that teach us to undermine one another instead of pulling together to strengthen us all. Whatever happened to lifting each other as we climb?

Now, I'm not saying we're all going to get along all the time, but if we can cherish and accept our sisters as we would want to be cherished and accepted, we will go a long way in setting a new tone in our often-fractured relationships. If we can stop the sideways glancing when one of us walks into a room, if we can stop the head-to-toe assessment of others in the club, if we can stop calling people out behind their backs-while smiling in their faces-if we can put an end to all that, we can start to reclaim the spirit of our sisterhood.

Let's begin by greeting one another with open arms and minds and stop assuming that we're out to get one another. The next time a sister you don't know walks into a room, the next time a Black woman you've never met starts working at your job, go out of your way to introduce yourself and give her a compliment. You just may make a loyal new friend.

I'm pleased to report that not only did our three cover beauties warmly welcome the idea of a joint photo shoot, but they were also genuinely supportive of one another on set, each one complimenting the other's hair, makeup, clothing and careers. As Beauty and Cover Director Mikki Taylor said, "Love was in the air and in the hearts of these three icons as they embraced one another, shared familiar stories and struck the pose again and again."

_END

Then the comments that followed...

1.

Seriously, I rarely encounter another black women who doesn't look at me sideways, even when I do speak....Hi, Hello, How R U? I'm sick of it really, it's gotten me to the point that I see myself doing the same thing just not wanting to continue being the "sucker" who gets ignored or looking as if she's desperate for a friend because us women make friendship freaking initiations! Ive even heard rumors about my black co-workers who've never said Boo my way say they don't like me - WHY????? because I like to have my hair in order and like to have style? I don't get it.

2.
I am so glad that you are addressing this issue-yes, women can be so petty sometime-I find myself stooping to their level with mean looks, hateful behavior, etc. just this weekend a couple of women spoke to me and it was surprising-I bet they read the article-I will begin now to start speaking to other women I do not know, thanks for opening my eyes.

3.
BLACK WOMEN WE NEED TO STOP BEING SO JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER WERE ALL BEAUTIFUL IN OUR OWN WAY. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHAME OURSELVES. OTHER RACES JUST SIT BACK AND LAUGH AT US I BET' AND STOP HATING ON BEYOUNCE' SHE REPRESENT US WOMEN OF COLOR I MEAN BLACK WOMEN THAT IS.

4.
WER'E JUST LIKE A LITTLE KINGDOM IF WE CONT TO TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN , WE WANT STAND.

5.
This is so true. African-American women who are insecure will spend more energy tearing others down instead of building themselves up. They do not even greet each other. Men do not act like that. It is worse in the workplace. It can literally be your worst nightmare. Heaven forbid a man happens to be involved.

6.
The article was great,me my self as a black women I had to love me first, and once I found myself I learn to love other.I also learn that each women is difference. I learn to alway be happy for the next person beause your blessing is on the way, So sisters let not bring one another down, because we are better than that.

7.
They say that hurt people hurt other people and I think a lot of black women are hurting. However, we have to stop using that as an excuse. I did not have black female friends until my late 20's. Growing up the other black girls and their mothers were so envious of the silliest things (hair length, hair texture, skin tone, clothes, looks) that I really had no friends at all and neither did my mom. It was not until some very strong black women reached out and mentored me in my teens that I felt brave enough to reach out to other black women. Now granted, I still have a very small group of black female friends who are not petty and jealous BUT it is better than having none. But I am glad that knowing these women allowed me to let go of my bitterness at being mistreated (threatened with a knife because I had longer hair than one girl on the cheerleading squad) and I won't pass it on to my daughters or to other women. And the women who are not ready to meet me as an equal without all the drama I just pray for. It's all you can do at some point.

8.
All this love one another thing is all fine and dandy but it's easier said than done.I'm in the military and work at an office job with two black females.I am a lower rank and they use this to their advantage plus I'm from another country. They have talked about me negatively to the WW in the office. Then helped the WW to win awards while trying to kill my rep. This one in particular has been goin thru stuff in her life and is stuck in a rut where she can't move on. But the truth is she is an evil,crazy female. She smiled to my face but was sooo shady. They have plotted and planned against me but I have to rely on God to pull me out of the talons of them.

9.
The article was great, we as black women need to learn how to love self, I feel that is one of our problems. We look good on the outside but the inside is at a self war.If a woman has peace within herself. She would'nt get angry because another woman has a man, a better career,car, etc. We must make an effort, to be on one accord. Think about what we could do if we were united.

10.
I've seen other sisters like that and I'm happy to say I am not one of them. Never had a jealous bone in my body, but I know those who do. Wouldn't dare fight over a man--none of them are worth it. Interesting article, though--because BW and WW do have issues with each other and it's not about "pretty." I've seen women mean-mugging me and I'm nothing close to what anyone would call pretty. It's plain insane jealousy.

11.
Well it's not just black women, but it is women in general. Pretty women don't usually get along with each other, because there are usually insecurity, and self-esteem issues. I am glad that they got along the way they did, because black people already have enough things counting against us. It's good that they make us look good for a change, unlike how the media usually makes us all look like a bunch of ghetto hoodrats.

12.
I agree young or old sisters always look you up and down. Never a hello just negativity. My husband & I took our children out bowling we encountered a group sisters who were not very nice but bitter. If you can't say hello to someone that looks like you and they get an attitude something wrong. Sisters must do better.

13.
We as women need to be in one another corner. The article as always is the best. Ladies lets not just talk about, lets be about. God bless us all

14.
Excellent article! I'm surprised people thought they wouldn't get along. All three women seem so classy to me. It is true that sistas can be our own worst enemies. We've got to go back to the idea that "I'm my sisters keeper."

15.
I know it seems we do not want to help each other. When I see a beautiful black woman who is managing all. I want to know how do I get myself there.. When you ask them how do you put yourself together..they look at you like an enemy. I wish we would embrace each other and help each other.

16.
I believe women period should not hate on one another, we should encourage each other. We are the mothers of this earth and we need to recognize the power God gave us to recreate life. As women, we need to support, guide, teach, encourage, uplift, help, relate, and appreciate each others presence. It is a blessing that GOD has created us to nurture the earth and give life to it. However, we must understand like man, we have a choice in what spirit we entertain and sometimes its not the physical that we need to pay attention to it's the spiritual and if a sister seems like she is negative maybe we need to show Christ in introducing her to her farther GOD. Amen! Love u sisters... all of you!

17.
this is so true some times i can not even walk through the mall with out getting dirty looks especially if i am with a guy... it all strated in high school.... black women when need to start loving each other and stop the hate.

18.
Before reading the article at work I would just walk by my black female coworkers (if I did not know them personally). Since reading the article I made it my business to speak to every sister I encounter. It was funny because, after I did this I ran into an old childhood friend.If I had no looked this sister in the face and speak to her I would have never known who she was.It also makes me feel better when I speak then just walking by a lone black female ot a group of sisters.Speaking and acknowledging the presence of my fellow sisters is my way of embracing us all.

19.
I really love this article. I feel it's time for us as black women to get it together. We are the most loving & accecting people, and we need to do more of just that.

20.
I feel this article is so true!!!!! Sisters we must do better. I remember when I first started my job..I met a older seasoned black woman at my workplace. She took pleasure in undermining me and even made rude remarks about me. I mean pity things like how dress and how I wore my hair. I think she was intimidated by another me or just like being the only black woman at the job.

21.
Thank you so much for producing and sharing this article. The level of respect that black women have for one another is so low and seems to decrease more and more. I think the problem starts with ourselves. So often we tear another sister down because we are not secure with who we are as an individual. Many of us don't like ourselves; therefore it's hard to like anyone else. How we treat ourselves in generally how we treat others. We're hating on the sister who has a nice career, handsome husband, lovely kids, and knows who she is as a woman. Instead of hating and disrespecting her, we need to be congratulating and learning from her. Let's start building and stop breaking!

22.
This has been active in our culture forever it seems. Perhaps it exists because some of us feel it's easier to throw stones at our own and not to other cultures, that perhaps the ramifications won't be as damaging. But in actuality it is. It's an internal racism that some suffer from and it's as damaging as the external racism we face in our society. We talk about this in our women's group and we work on this consistently while learning how to collaborate on personal and professional matters.

23.
It was so wonderful to read the article. I thought I was the only one who recognized and realized this as an issue. Unfortunately, the haters are in my very own family. I have sisters who would prefer to lie and hate on me because I am very ambitious and strive to work hard and sacrifice so that I don't have to settle. Here's hoping sisters will take heed to your word of advice and realize that we have others who beat up on us too often that we need to form a true and solid bond that says we will not take it any more.

24.
At a young age, I had to learn the hard way about my black sisters and the hatred for each other in the workplace. I worked in a small, predominately black office full of women where there was constant bickering, and jealousy. I was 18 and the others in their late 20's-late 30's. They talked about each other’s clothes, hair, man, you name it. No love, no respect. It was sad to see, them tear each other down, behind each other's backs. I watched this bad behavior and vowed to work amongst career driven people with a purpose. Twenty years later, I can say that I've yet to work in that type of environment again. There are usually only 3-6 black men & women in my chosen profession (Systems Administration), and we all get along and respect each other as we should. If you repect yourself and are happy in this life there wouldn't be a purpose to go after the next person with disrespect. Peace to all.

25.
All I can say is DIDDO! We've got to stop tearing each other apart and start helping each other heal!

26.
Thank you for this article, as one earlier post I have to grew skeptical - I do have one good women friend, but find it hard to branch out because you always find out later that this person does not have your best interest. I've worked as a manager and have had women of color look at me sideways and accuse me of things to my white counterparts and there was no talking with this person without there being her yelling at me and further accusing me of yelling at her to my boss.. I think its horrible that we are in this shape.

27.
It's about time ESSENCE shed light on this. At 39 I"ve grown sinical and do not believe we will ever get along. White women will hate each other alllllll day long, but they will never put one another down in front of us. We, however, will do it with a quickness. I work for a major IT firm with 90% white men, and .5% black women. Several of us are cordial to one another but you have your few who turn their noses up and refuse to be friendly. We have been and will probably continue to be our own worst enemies, fighting over sorry ass men, and hating one another when we could be lifting and encouraging one another. I am a big encourager, but it's rare when you meet sisters who are too. Too many of us are frienenemies and we hate to see one another excel. However, when we are struggling we love to chim in and gloat.

28.
I work in an office of about 85-90 people and only 3 are sisters (no black men at all). The other 2 didnt get along & I tried to be the mediator to no avail. I dont really have much contact with either of them because they are always talking about the other. I had started having lunch with a few of the white ladies & they are just as caddy as the sisters!! I dont have time for other people's drama anymore, so I either eat alone or with my male co-workers.

29.
Wow....I thought this was a great article and it fit so well with everything that has been shoved down our throat media wise. These are the type of articles that I appreciate rather than who is sleeping with whose man and why such and such do not get alone (Usually these articles are focused on black women). I agree with the author. There are so many outside forces that depict black women in a negative light, why add to the struggle? Most of the time, in the workplace, black women have to prove to men and to their white counterparts that they belong. It is nice to know that the same woman who is experiencing the same things can be there for you to share ideas with one another for personal improvements or just having a pleasant simple conversation rather than tearing each other down.

30.
Let's be honest we don't have to like everyone and everyone doesn't have to like us. But we should respect ourselves and in turn give respect to others. In that way we'll be doing a great service to sisterhood.

31.
I love this article..What do you do when you work with all white womens and they hate as just as bad as black women or worse..Its sad when working with white women...but anyway black womens are starting to get better I think

32.
I am one of those ladies talked about in the article. I have been through so much in life that my life wasn't supposed to turn out the way that it did but god extended to me his loving hand and i excepted!! I feel so good down on the inside that i beam radiance and self love on the outside. I am no means a 10 on the beauty scale but when i step out you can see the time and effort that i put in to me and i look damn good!! Some women reallyyyyyyyyy don't like it! So sister 's I say let's stop trying to take each other's glory I bet we all have the same STORY!! I love you all!!

33.
I am so glad that you all addressed the issue about black women not loving each other. I have been talking to my sister circle for sometime about this exact issue. We need to lift each other up and embrace our differences. White women have cat fights but they stick together as well as other races. I pray that black women will be more loving in their friendships as well as relationships with our brothas. We have a black president and first lady in the white house who are indeed setting the tone for black love. I hope black America will follow their example. Lastly I like to thank Essence for always providing a conscience for black women as well as topics that are minding provoking. I have been a devoted reader and subscriber for 23 yrs and I am 40. Keep up the good work.

34.
Some black women have issues with insecurities and we can be very envious and jealous hearted and I think those are some of the main reasons why are relationship with eachother are not as strong. As a black woman I try my best to support other black women and I always check myself first when I feel like I'm hating on another black woman.

35.
I was in the salon yesterday and one of my friends went crazy on me because I don't hang out with her as much as I used too. She tried to get loud and act crazy to get attention. Little does she know that her poor attitude is the REAL reason why I distance myself from her. Sometimes we as black women need to grow up and examine ourselves and then we can see why we are left standing alone with no friends, and sometimes no man.

36.
We need to love ourselves and one another better. If we can stand together it is hard to divide us. I am having difficulties in the work force involving black women. We are so judgmental.

37.
I agree. Sometimes we can be so judgmental. It’s sad. But Jesus is love so we should love also. It’s not that hard. We are always against each other…and for what?? It gets us nowhere. God Bless every one.

_END

Remember, this is what women are saying about other women!  And this is the same drama men have to deal with - but worse because you now have to add the gender divide.

Proof of point that what the men have been saying here is valid and true - most of our sistas are hard to deal with - even other black women are saying it!


Tim... I wuold like to repost this in a blog on myspace.  I will give you and this site the credit and will seek to point people here from there.

We see this all of the time but only now is it being addressed.  

I have faith that since you produced the film and magazines like this are looking at the same anger issues from another perspective, the root cause, ie tha anger will be ultimately fingered and addressed.

It is just a matter of time.


They use overinflated and unrealistic standards to reject normal men, but somehow wind up fucking deadbeats, players, thugs and all around assholes.
  -- unfoolish1
03-23-2009 04:31 PM
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vcthree
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Filmmaker-TimAlexander Wrote:
This is an eye opener, for the women at least.  It looks like black women are starting to understand what black men already understand about them - they have issues with each other too, so how do we expect them to not give the men grief!!  Here, read this...

MARCH 20, 2009
Sisters, We've Got to Start Loving One Another


From The Essence.com Editor-in-Chief Angela Burt-Murray

http://www.essence.com/news_entertainmen...burtmurray


(Notice how essence didn't use any regular darker brown sistas in the photo from their own article - what is up with that?  And they all have long good hair!  Just an observation.)

When people learned that we wanted to photograph Iman, Taraji P. Henson and Serena Williams for our April cover, the comments started immediately. "Oh, they'll never get along" was the refrain most often heard. It was as if the notion that three beautiful and accomplished Black women might come together for a joint cover shoot was just too outrageous to entertain.

Yet the murmurs weren't totally without precedent. After all, Black women's relationships with one another have often been fraught with tension. Truth is, we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Wall Street executive Carla A. Harris told us recently she had noticed that in the workplace Black women are sometimes the ones derailing other sisters. Certainly we've been guilty of tearing each other down in our personal relationships as well, even fighting over a sorry man who tried to play us against each other. But with all the challenges facing us, it's more important than ever that we as Black women make a conscious decision to support, love and affirm one another at work, in our communities, in our churches and in our organizations. It's time for us to wake up to the fact that our problem isn't between us; it's with all the forces that teach us to undermine one another instead of pulling together to strengthen us all. Whatever happened to lifting each other as we climb?

Now, I'm not saying we're all going to get along all the time, but if we can cherish and accept our sisters as we would want to be cherished and accepted, we will go a long way in setting a new tone in our often-fractured relationships. If we can stop the sideways glancing when one of us walks into a room, if we can stop the head-to-toe assessment of others in the club, if we can stop calling people out behind their backs-while smiling in their faces-if we can put an end to all that, we can start to reclaim the spirit of our sisterhood.

Let's begin by greeting one another with open arms and minds and stop assuming that we're out to get one another. The next time a sister you don't know walks into a room, the next time a Black woman you've never met starts working at your job, go out of your way to introduce yourself and give her a compliment. You just may make a loyal new friend.

I'm pleased to report that not only did our three cover beauties warmly welcome the idea of a joint photo shoot, but they were also genuinely supportive of one another on set, each one complimenting the other's hair, makeup, clothing and careers. As Beauty and Cover Director Mikki Taylor said, "Love was in the air and in the hearts of these three icons as they embraced one another, shared familiar stories and struck the pose again and again."

_END

Then the comments that followed...

1.

Seriously, I rarely encounter another black women who doesn't look at me sideways, even when I do speak....Hi, Hello, How R U? I'm sick of it really, it's gotten me to the point that I see myself doing the same thing just not wanting to continue being the "sucker" who gets ignored or looking as if she's desperate for a friend because us women make friendship freaking initiations! Ive even heard rumors about my black co-workers who've never said Boo my way say they don't like me - WHY????? because I like to have my hair in order and like to have style? I don't get it.

2.
I am so glad that you are addressing this issue-yes, women can be so petty sometime-I find myself stooping to their level with mean looks, hateful behavior, etc. just this weekend a couple of women spoke to me and it was surprising-I bet they read the article-I will begin now to start speaking to other women I do not know, thanks for opening my eyes.

3.
BLACK WOMEN WE NEED TO STOP BEING SO JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER WERE ALL BEAUTIFUL IN OUR OWN WAY. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHAME OURSELVES. OTHER RACES JUST SIT BACK AND LAUGH AT US I BET' AND STOP HATING ON BEYOUNCE' SHE REPRESENT US WOMEN OF COLOR I MEAN BLACK WOMEN THAT IS.

4.
WER'E JUST LIKE A LITTLE KINGDOM IF WE CONT TO TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN , WE WANT STAND.

5.
This is so true. African-American women who are insecure will spend more energy tearing others down instead of building themselves up. They do not even greet each other. Men do not act like that. It is worse in the workplace. It can literally be your worst nightmare. Heaven forbid a man happens to be involved.

6.
The article was great,me my self as a black women I had to love me first, and once I found myself I learn to love other.I also learn that each women is difference. I learn to alway be happy for the next person beause your blessing is on the way, So sisters let not bring one another down, because we are better than that.

7.
They say that hurt people hurt other people and I think a lot of black women are hurting. However, we have to stop using that as an excuse. I did not have black female friends until my late 20's. Growing up the other black girls and their mothers were so envious of the silliest things (hair length, hair texture, skin tone, clothes, looks) that I really had no friends at all and neither did my mom. It was not until some very strong black women reached out and mentored me in my teens that I felt brave enough to reach out to other black women. Now granted, I still have a very small group of black female friends who are not petty and jealous BUT it is better than having none. But I am glad that knowing these women allowed me to let go of my bitterness at being mistreated (threatened with a knife because I had longer hair than one girl on the cheerleading squad) and I won't pass it on to my daughters or to other women. And the women who are not ready to meet me as an equal without all the drama I just pray for. It's all you can do at some point.

8.
All this love one another thing is all fine and dandy but it's easier said than done.I'm in the military and work at an office job with two black females.I am a lower rank and they use this to their advantage plus I'm from another country. They have talked about me negatively to the WW in the office. Then helped the WW to win awards while trying to kill my rep. This one in particular has been goin thru stuff in her life and is stuck in a rut where she can't move on. But the truth is she is an evil,crazy female. She smiled to my face but was sooo shady. They have plotted and planned against me but I have to rely on God to pull me out of the talons of them.

9.
The article was great, we as black women need to learn how to love self, I feel that is one of our problems. We look good on the outside but the inside is at a self war.If a woman has peace within herself. She would'nt get angry because another woman has a man, a better career,car, etc. We must make an effort, to be on one accord. Think about what we could do if we were united.

10.
I've seen other sisters like that and I'm happy to say I am not one of them. Never had a jealous bone in my body, but I know those who do. Wouldn't dare fight over a man--none of them are worth it. Interesting article, though--because BW and WW do have issues with each other and it's not about "pretty." I've seen women mean-mugging me and I'm nothing close to what anyone would call pretty. It's plain insane jealousy.

11.
Well it's not just black women, but it is women in general. Pretty women don't usually get along with each other, because there are usually insecurity, and self-esteem issues. I am glad that they got along the way they did, because black people already have enough things counting against us. It's good that they make us look good for a change, unlike how the media usually makes us all look like a bunch of ghetto hoodrats.

12.
I agree young or old sisters always look you up and down. Never a hello just negativity. My husband & I took our children out bowling we encountered a group sisters who were not very nice but bitter. If you can't say hello to someone that looks like you and they get an attitude something wrong. Sisters must do better.

13.
We as women need to be in one another corner. The article as always is the best. Ladies lets not just talk about, lets be about. God bless us all

14.
Excellent article! I'm surprised people thought they wouldn't get along. All three women seem so classy to me. It is true that sistas can be our own worst enemies. We've got to go back to the idea that "I'm my sisters keeper."

15.
I know it seems we do not want to help each other. When I see a beautiful black woman who is managing all. I want to know how do I get myself there.. When you ask them how do you put yourself together..they look at you like an enemy. I wish we would embrace each other and help each other.

16.
I believe women period should not hate on one another, we should encourage each other. We are the mothers of this earth and we need to recognize the power God gave us to recreate life. As women, we need to support, guide, teach, encourage, uplift, help, relate, and appreciate each others presence. It is a blessing that GOD has created us to nurture the earth and give life to it. However, we must understand like man, we have a choice in what spirit we entertain and sometimes its not the physical that we need to pay attention to it's the spiritual and if a sister seems like she is negative maybe we need to show Christ in introducing her to her farther GOD. Amen! Love u sisters... all of you!

17.
this is so true some times i can not even walk through the mall with out getting dirty looks especially if i am with a guy... it all strated in high school.... black women when need to start loving each other and stop the hate.

18.
Before reading the article at work I would just walk by my black female coworkers (if I did not know them personally). Since reading the article I made it my business to speak to every sister I encounter. It was funny because, after I did this I ran into an old childhood friend.If I had no looked this sister in the face and speak to her I would have never known who she was.It also makes me feel better when I speak then just walking by a lone black female ot a group of sisters.Speaking and acknowledging the presence of my fellow sisters is my way of embracing us all.

19.
I really love this article. I feel it's time for us as black women to get it together. We are the most loving & accecting people, and we need to do more of just that.

20.
I feel this article is so true!!!!! Sisters we must do better. I remember when I first started my job..I met a older seasoned black woman at my workplace. She took pleasure in undermining me and even made rude remarks about me. I mean pity things like how dress and how I wore my hair. I think she was intimidated by another me or just like being the only black woman at the job.

21.
Thank you so much for producing and sharing this article. The level of respect that black women have for one another is so low and seems to decrease more and more. I think the problem starts with ourselves. So often we tear another sister down because we are not secure with who we are as an individual. Many of us don't like ourselves; therefore it's hard to like anyone else. How we treat ourselves in generally how we treat others. We're hating on the sister who has a nice career, handsome husband, lovely kids, and knows who she is as a woman. Instead of hating and disrespecting her, we need to be congratulating and learning from her. Let's start building and stop breaking!

22.
This has been active in our culture forever it seems. Perhaps it exists because some of us feel it's easier to throw stones at our own and not to other cultures, that perhaps the ramifications won't be as damaging. But in actuality it is. It's an internal racism that some suffer from and it's as damaging as the external racism we face in our society. We talk about this in our women's group and we work on this consistently while learning how to collaborate on personal and professional matters.

23.
It was so wonderful to read the article. I thought I was the only one who recognized and realized this as an issue. Unfortunately, the haters are in my very own family. I have sisters who would prefer to lie and hate on me because I am very ambitious and strive to work hard and sacrifice so that I don't have to settle. Here's hoping sisters will take heed to your word of advice and realize that we have others who beat up on us too often that we need to form a true and solid bond that says we will not take it any more.

24.
At a young age, I had to learn the hard way about my black sisters and the hatred for each other in the workplace. I worked in a small, predominately black office full of women where there was constant bickering, and jealousy. I was 18 and the others in their late 20's-late 30's. They talked about each other’s clothes, hair, man, you name it. No love, no respect. It was sad to see, them tear each other down, behind each other's backs. I watched this bad behavior and vowed to work amongst career driven people with a purpose. Twenty years later, I can say that I've yet to work in that type of environment again. There are usually only 3-6 black men & women in my chosen profession (Systems Administration), and we all get along and respect each other as we should. If you repect yourself and are happy in this life there wouldn't be a purpose to go after the next person with disrespect. Peace to all.

25.
All I can say is DIDDO! We've got to stop tearing each other apart and start helping each other heal!

26.
Thank you for this article, as one earlier post I have to grew skeptical - I do have one good women friend, but find it hard to branch out because you always find out later that this person does not have your best interest. I've worked as a manager and have had women of color look at me sideways and accuse me of things to my white counterparts and there was no talking with this person without there being her yelling at me and further accusing me of yelling at her to my boss.. I think its horrible that we are in this shape.

27.
It's about time ESSENCE shed light on this. At 39 I"ve grown sinical and do not believe we will ever get along. White women will hate each other alllllll day long, but they will never put one another down in front of us. We, however, will do it with a quickness. I work for a major IT firm with 90% white men, and .5% black women. Several of us are cordial to one another but you have your few who turn their noses up and refuse to be friendly. We have been and will probably continue to be our own worst enemies, fighting over sorry ass men, and hating one another when we could be lifting and encouraging one another. I am a big encourager, but it's rare when you meet sisters who are too. Too many of us are frienenemies and we hate to see one another excel. However, when we are struggling we love to chim in and gloat.

28.
I work in an office of about 85-90 people and only 3 are sisters (no black men at all). The other 2 didnt get along & I tried to be the mediator to no avail. I dont really have much contact with either of them because they are always talking about the other. I had started having lunch with a few of the white ladies & they are just as caddy as the sisters!! I dont have time for other people's drama anymore, so I either eat alone or with my male co-workers.

29.
Wow....I thought this was a great article and it fit so well with everything that has been shoved down our throat media wise. These are the type of articles that I appreciate rather than who is sleeping with whose man and why such and such do not get alone (Usually these articles are focused on black women). I agree with the author. There are so many outside forces that depict black women in a negative light, why add to the struggle? Most of the time, in the workplace, black women have to prove to men and to their white counterparts that they belong. It is nice to know that the same woman who is experiencing the same things can be there for you to share ideas with one another for personal improvements or just having a pleasant simple conversation rather than tearing each other down.

30.
Let's be honest we don't have to like everyone and everyone doesn't have to like us. But we should respect ourselves and in turn give respect to others. In that way we'll be doing a great service to sisterhood.

31.
I love this article..What do you do when you work with all white womens and they hate as just as bad as black women or worse..Its sad when working with white women...but anyway black womens are starting to get better I think

32.
I am one of those ladies talked about in the article. I have been through so much in life that my life wasn't supposed to turn out the way that it did but god extended to me his loving hand and i excepted!! I feel so good down on the inside that i beam radiance and self love on the outside. I am no means a 10 on the beauty scale but when i step out you can see the time and effort that i put in to me and i look damn good!! Some women reallyyyyyyyyy don't like it! So sister 's I say let's stop trying to take each other's glory I bet we all have the same STORY!! I love you all!!

33.
I am so glad that you all addressed the issue about black women not loving each other. I have been talking to my sister circle for sometime about this exact issue. We need to lift each other up and embrace our differences. White women have cat fights but they stick together as well as other races. I pray that black women will be more loving in their friendships as well as relationships with our brothas. We have a black president and first lady in the white house who are indeed setting the tone for black love. I hope black America will follow their example. Lastly I like to thank Essence for always providing a conscience for black women as well as topics that are minding provoking. I have been a devoted reader and subscriber for 23 yrs and I am 40. Keep up the good work.

34.
Some black women have issues with insecurities and we can be very envious and jealous hearted and I think those are some of the main reasons why are relationship with eachother are not as strong. As a black woman I try my best to support other black women and I always check myself first when I feel like I'm hating on another black woman.

35.
I was in the salon yesterday and one of my friends went crazy on me because I don't hang out with her as much as I used too. She tried to get loud and act crazy to get attention. Little does she know that her poor attitude is the REAL reason why I distance myself from her. Sometimes we as black women need to grow up and examine ourselves and then we can see why we are left standing alone with no friends, and sometimes no man.

36.
We need to love ourselves and one another better. If we can stand together it is hard to divide us. I am having difficulties in the work force involving black women. We are so judgmental.

37.
I agree. Sometimes we can be so judgmental. It’s sad. But Jesus is love so we should love also. It’s not that hard. We are always against each other…and for what?? It gets us nowhere. God Bless every one.

_END

Remember, this is what women are saying about other women!  And this is the same drama men have to deal with - but worse because you now have to add the gender divide.

Proof of point that what the men have been saying here is valid and true - most of our sistas are hard to deal with - even other black women are saying it!


I was prepared to give a sort of cynical response to this, but...I went back instead and read some of the comments.  It's an encouraging sign, but it's only a sign and a start.  Still more work to be done to reverse the trend.  Still...if women are starting to realize at the very least this much about themselves...anything is possible.


"It is much easier to make good men wise than to make bad men good." --Henry Fielding
03-23-2009 04:37 PM
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Filmmaker-TimAlexander
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Change is coming fellas, and this is not hype... I will reveal more shortly.

Change is coming.  I promise you this.

There was a time when we thought we would never be freed as slaves or live to see a black President.  Well we did, and we will win this fight too.


[b]Yes, I made the film, and I am here.  I'm the "Chief Forum Elder" with Forum Elder Elder Ra (IslandRa) & Forum Elder Evens working hard to help others to see, learn and grow.[/b]
03-23-2009 04:45 PM
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serendipity79
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

In my heart, I know that most black women would love to have a close nit group of friends to share ups and downs with. There is an understanding between women that you could never obtain from your husband and honestly, I don't think it is even fair to a man to try and make him into your girlfriend. Thus, we all need girlfriends to fulfill those "girly" needs.

Unfortunately, while I hate to blame media for everything, I think "black" media has had a negative impact in our "sister" relationships as well.

When I think about all of the music I grew up listening to I bet anyone in my generation could name at least 10 songs easily which portrayed other women as being scandalous, hateful, and not to be trusted. Thus, if all media targetted towards our young black audiences portrays women this way, of course, at some point we learn to believe that other women are not to be trusted.

This might sound silly but about 10 months ago, I completely stopped watching those "drama" movies and stopped listening to those scandalous R&B songs and started listening to my local christian radio, classical music, etc.

You would not believe how much it changed my mind set! I don't even know how to explain it.

Have you ever listenend to a song and by listening the song evoked an emotion out of you? How many times have you listened to a song or watched a movie and it actually made you mad or sad or changed your mood? How many times have you driven down the road and if the song builds tempo then you begin to speed? Media has a serious impact on our minds and can change the way we think about something or feel about something. If you listen to tons of music about a cheating man, you may begin to become suspicious of your own man. If you listen to a lot of music that is angry or is filled with cursing, then you begin to adopt that into your everyday behavior and language. If you listen to music that is uplifting and encourage, then you begin to feel that way and act that way.

One of my favorite songs is called, "Give me your eyes". It is the way I truly want to see the world. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly work on myself. It can be so easy to fall into gossip and hateful talk. But, this kind of music just puts you in a different mindset and if I can surround myself with media and people like this, those hateful thoughts just don't pop up as frequently.

Take a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c

I know my opinion does not touch on ALL of the issues in this article but this is my point of view and I hope it helps.

03-23-2009 04:55 PM
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serendipity79
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Yes, I'm corny and I know it.

03-23-2009 05:01 PM
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vcthree
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

serendipity79 Wrote:
Yes, I'm corny and I know it.


Why wouldn't I be surprised you were into CCR?  Icon_biggrin

No worries, though.  You're just being you.


"It is much easier to make good men wise than to make bad men good." --Henry Fielding
03-23-2009 05:06 PM
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IslandRa
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Post: #8
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

serendipity79 Wrote:
John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

In my heart, I know that most black women would love to have a close nit group of friends to share ups and downs with. There is an understanding between women that you could never obtain from your husband and honestly, I don't think it is even fair to a man to try and make him into your girlfriend. Thus, we all need girlfriends to fulfill those "girly" needs.

Unfortunately, while I hate to blame media for everything, I think "black" media has had a negative impact in our "sister" relationships as well.

When I think about all of the music I grew up listening to I bet anyone in my generation could name at least 10 songs easily which portrayed other women as being scandalous, hateful, and not to be trusted. Thus, if all media targetted towards our young black audiences portrays women this way, of course, at some point we learn to believe that other women are not to be trusted.

This might sound silly but about 10 months ago, I completely stopped watching those "drama" movies and stopped listening to those scandalous R&B songs and started listening to my local christian radio, classical music, etc.

You would not believe how much it changed my mind set! I don't even know how to explain it.

Have you ever listenend to a song and by listening the song evoked an emotion out of you? How many times have you listened to a song or watched a movie and it actually made you mad or sad or changed your mood? How many times have you driven down the road and if the song builds tempo then you begin to speed? Media has a serious impact on our minds and can change the way we think about something or feel about something. If you listen to tons of music about a cheating man, you may begin to become suspicious of your own man. If you listen to a lot of music that is angry or is filled with cursing, then you begin to adopt that into your everyday behavior and language. If you listen to music that is uplifting and encourage, then you begin to feel that way and act that way.

One of my favorite songs is called, "Give me your eyes". It is the way I truly want to see the world. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly work on myself. It can be so easy to fall into gossip and hateful talk. But, this kind of music just puts you in a different mindset and if I can surround myself with media and people like this, those hateful thoughts just don't pop up as frequently.

Take a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c

I know my opinion does not touch on ALL of the issues in this article but this is my point of view and I hope it helps.


No.. You are right and phychological sciences and scripture bare this out.  You are what you consume, be it food or in the mind.

This is why we played all of the patriotic songs after 9/11.


Phillipians 4:8  Finally, bretheren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things arejust, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virture... think(meditate) on these things...


They use overinflated and unrealistic standards to reject normal men, but somehow wind up fucking deadbeats, players, thugs and all around assholes.
  -- unfoolish1
03-23-2009 05:14 PM
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2BENLIGHTENED
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Post: #9
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

We are a reflection of the company we choose to keep.

The eyes are the windows to the soul; the ears the doorways to the mind. What one allows to enter either will certainly have an impact upon the quality of their life.


Neo: This... this isn't the Matrix?

Morpheus: No. It is another training program designed to teach you one thing: IF YOU ARE NOT ONE OF US, YOU ARE ONE OF THEM.
03-23-2009 05:20 PM
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godlovescree
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Serendipity, I viewed your photos they are BEAUTIFUL. I have tears in my eyes. You and your lovely family!!!! God Bless You Sis!!!

Tim, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting this article. One of my sessions in my gurls group * Raisingurls To Women*. I did a survey on the teens. My questions were...... when you go the the mall and see other gurls looking at you, what do you think? What comes to your mind? What do YOU think she is thinking. Some said that they thought the gurls were jealous of them, thought that they wanted to * grim* them, they thought the gurls were trying to start fights.

Im 41 years old, when I look at another woman, I look at her hair and nails, clothes. Thats what women do. EVen babies stare at each other. My point is. I told them to look at it this way, in a more postive light. I asked them..... DO YOU KNOW THESE GURLS? they say NO. I say do they know YOU? They say NO. I ask have you seen her before? They said NO. I asked if she was to start a fight with you. would you know what it would be about?

I told them that gurls only look at other gurls because they admire what they are wearing, their nails, shoes, purse. I told them to THINK ABOUT IT. And do you all know they ALL GOT IT AT THE SAME TIME???????? LOL THEY GOT IT. I told them to go a step further, BE LEADERS, BE HONEST AND Compliment others on anything that you find yourself looking at. Its not about being a punk, or soft, or whatever words they use. I told them of you speak to them FIRST, they will automaticly start a conversation with them and they will tell you what it was that they were looking at.

Im working on getting them into the habit of speaking to others FIRST. Especially if you make eye contact.

Great post
Cree


"Drama to me...... is like a whole lotta papers on my desk unorganized and out of place. Can't even deal with it"
03-23-2009 07:15 PM
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Filmmaker-TimAlexander
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Post: #11
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

That is great work Cree, Thank you.  We should work together to have me come out, I do public speaking on the issues.


[b]Yes, I made the film, and I am here.  I'm the "Chief Forum Elder" with Forum Elder Elder Ra (IslandRa) & Forum Elder Evens working hard to help others to see, learn and grow.[/b]
03-23-2009 07:39 PM
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beaut4brns
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RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Tim thanks so much for this article, this is a big problem in the black community and it hurts a lot when the people you think should understand and accept you..DONT! Yes this is a problem for every women but I think BW take the cake.

I've had numerous problems with BW especially AAW, which is one of the reasons why I only have 1 AAF friend. That's just sad knowing that I live in the U.S and I am surrounded by AAW. I have friends from all over the world, all ethnicities, all races, and 1 AA. That's a damn shame, and why is that?

Well because they cannot stop staring at me and making snide remarks. They cannot stop being rude and treating me like I am an enemy, no matter how nice and welcoming I try to be. It's to the point where I am scared of AAW. When I see them (especially when they are in a group) I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack, I just know that when I turn my back, I am going to get it. And half the time I can tell that they are just admiring something about me, but that admiration comes out in the form of hate and I just dont understand it. I love giving people compliments, especially women, because I know as a woman, it can do great things for our self-esteem, but I cant get the same in return from BW. I remember on several occasions, where I've given compliments to BW, only to have them either not respond, roll their eyes at me, think I'm gay, or blurt out "I know" this doesnt happen all the time but it happened enough for me to just stop giving BW that I do not know compliments. I have non-black women on a daily basis who comment on how I look, how beautiful my shoes are, how they love my hair, yadi yadi ya...and what do I get from BW..."oh that Woman thinks she's all that!" WHAT?!?!?!?...You dont even know me, I dont know you. Oh and then there's the almighty, "why, do you smile so much?" "why the hell are you so happy?" WHAT?!?!?!

Dont let me start on the workplace. We'll I dont work, but when I am in the hospital doing my rotations, guess who gives me the most headache, the BW. They look at me up and down, make me feel uncomfortable, and make stupid remarks, all the while kissing all the white people's arse.

The other day I was at Subway, and there was a black guy and two black girls working there. The black guy was preparing my sub and we got into a conversation, so as I am paying for my meal he states, "I just want to say you are very beautiful"....Oh lord...the two black girls started rolling their eyes, making snide remarks, and of course I dont even pay them any attention (I dont expect anything less), as I am walking away, one of them made sure to say loudly enough for me to hear, "she aint even all that." I mean was that even neccesary.

We have got to do better. The last thing I want to do is resent BW, because I want to break the cycle, but what is one to do when you feel defeated? I know I might not come across as being hurt, but I am, it hurts like hell because I want nothing more than to see smiles on BW's faces and for us to atleast have respect and consideration for one another.

03-23-2009 09:35 PM
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serendipity79
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Post: #13
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Wow, beaut4brns. You have had some BAD experiences.

My experiences with strangers hasn't been all that great but I've never had a black woman that I knew personally treat me badly. I'm trying to think back right now to bad experiences with black women who I knew on a personal level and I can't really come up with anything.

Geographically my experiences relate mostly to Monterey, Ca where I grew up.

I have been very fortunate to meet beautiful and nice black women in my church and through my job where I live now though.

I guess my biggest issue is that I expected people to be a little bit more friendly moving from Cali to the South but as it turns out, nope. I was told that when I moved to the South that unlike Californians - southerners speak. They speak to everyone. They just say hi or how are you when you cross their paths (not that they necessarily wait for your reply) but that it is common courtesy in the "south".

So when I moved here I was all geared up to say hello and how are you to every one I knew. I really liked that idea of speaking to everyone because people where I came from just didn't do that. You could be sitting or standing next to a stranger for several minutes and you wouldn't say anything to them and they wouldn't say anything to you. Now that I look back on it, how odd. We spend time with people all day but never speak however it's when we get to our computer that we are comfortable communicating with complete strangers.

I digress, I know with some women if you say hello with a welcoming smile, sometimes they just absolutely do not even acknowledge that you said anything. Either that or they do that look you up and down thing and still not say anything or force out a muted hello.

Still for the majority, if you approach them and are very friendly (since they probably have their guard up thinking the same thing you are thinking as the poster said before) if you speak to them first they do tend to let down their guard and be a little nicer.

However, even when I come across someone who appears to have a super chip on their shoulder I just chalk that up to the fact that maybe they had a bad day and I don't know what they are going through. In this day and age everyone is going through something so I try not to hold their first impression against them if it happens to be a negative one.

03-24-2009 04:13 AM
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serendipity79
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Post: #14
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

Beat4brns Wrote:
, I want to attempt to answer your question.

I've had numerous problems with BW especially AAW, which is one of the reasons why I only have 1 AAF friend. That's just sad knowing that I live in the U.S and I am surrounded by AAW. I have friends from all over the world, all ethnicities, all races, and 1 AA. That's a damn shame, and why is that?




Thousands, if not millions, of women are feeling jealous, insecure, inadequate, and vulnerable in in today's society and they are reaching out for help. I still think it goes back to media and the way I believe the media plays us against one another starting from very young children as I described above. I also believe the media causes many women to feel inferior because we are constantly bombarded with these perfect (airbrushed) images that some of us could never match up to without a really great photoshop program. Then those feelings of inadequacy spill out into our interactions with other people when we perceive that someone has something that we don't.

But, in response to your particular question, I think the issue is that most (not all) non-black women do not view black women as their competition - therefore, you won't find them exhibiting jealousy towards us like women of our own ethnicity. They can freely comment on our clothes, etc. because they do not see us as a threat.

However, is that the way they treat each other?

If you talk to white women about other white women or asian women about other asian women, there is quite a bit of catty-ness going on amongst all women.

Have you seen that movie "mean girls"? I don't think their was one significant black role in that entire movie.  But the movie gave a sterling example of how rude and mean women can be to each other starting in high school and spilling over into adulthood.

I have a niece that graduated from college last year. She inherited a lot of Cuban features from my father. She has a very pretty natural tan similar to Alicia Keys and had beautiful long hair. When she was in college playing sports, a white girl actually put a nair-type product (hair removal product) in her conditioner and made big chunks of her hair fall out when she was taking a shower after practice. So I don't believe the catty-ness only extends to black women.

I think it's important to remember not to let your perception of what you believe another woman is thinking to influence they way you treat them because your body language can easily give away the fact that you expect negativity. And a lot of times when we send out invitations (negativity) we receive that which we invited.

03-24-2009 04:30 AM
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Filmmaker-TimAlexander
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Post: #15
RE: ESSENCE Magazine says - "Black Women Don't Like Each Other!"

beaut4brns Wrote:
Tim thanks so much for this article, this is a big problem in the black community and it hurts a lot when the people you think should understand and accept you..DONT! Yes this is a problem for every women but I think BW take the cake.

I've had numerous problems with BW especially AAW, which is one of the reasons why I only have 1 AAF friend. That's just sad knowing that I live in the U.S and I am surrounded by AAW. I have friends from all over the world, all ethnicities, all races, and 1 AA. That's a damn shame, and why is that?

Well because they cannot stop staring at me and making snide remarks. They cannot stop being rude and treating me like I am an enemy, no matter how nice and welcoming I try to be. It's to the point where I am scared of AAW. When I see them (especially when they are in a group) I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack, I just know that when I turn my back, I am going to get it. And half the time I can tell that they are just admiring something about me, but that admiration comes out in the form of hate and I just dont understand it. I love giving people compliments, especially women, because I know as a woman, it can do great things for our self-esteem, but I cant get the same in return from BW. I remember on several occasions, where I've given compliments to BW, only to have them either not respond, roll their eyes at me, think I'm gay, or blurt out "I know" this doesnt happen all the time but it happened enough for me to just stop giving BW that I do not know compliments. I have non-black women on a daily basis who comment on how I look, how beautiful my shoes are, how they love my hair, yadi yadi ya...and what do I get from BW..."oh that Woman thinks she's all that!" WHAT?!?!?!?...You dont even know me, I dont know you. Oh and then there's the almighty, "why, do you smile so much?" "why the hell are you so happy?" WHAT?!?!?!

Dont let me start on the workplace. We'll I dont work, but when I am in the hospital doing my rotations, guess who gives me the most headache, the BW. They look at me up and down, make me feel uncomfortable, and make stupid remarks, all the while kissing all the white people's arse.

The other day I was at Subway, and there was a black guy and two black girls working there. The black guy was preparing my sub and we got into a conversation, so as I am paying for my meal he states, "I just want to say you are very beautiful"....Oh lord...the two black girls started rolling their eyes, making snide remarks, and of course I dont even pay them any attention (I dont expect anything less), as I am walking away, one of them made sure to say loudly enough for me to hear, "she aint even all that." I mean was that even neccesary.

We have got to do better. The last thing I want to do is resent BW, because I want to break the cycle, but what is one to do when you feel defeated? I know I might not come across as being hurt, but I am, it hurts like hell because I want nothing more than to see smiles on BW's faces and for us to atleast have respect and consideration for one another.


Wow, Icon_eek,,, This is deep.  She sounds exactly like the men on these issues in dealing with SOME of our sistas.

This is a sad state of things indeed when a black woman is fearful of the constant disrespect from other black women, her sistas.

Wow.  

(Do some of you ladies who didn't believe what the men were saying believe us now?)


[b]Yes, I made the film, and I am here.  I'm the "Chief Forum Elder" with Forum Elder Elder Ra (IslandRa) & Forum Elder Evens working hard to help others to see, learn and grow.[/b]
03-24-2009 10:14 AM
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